Luikart's Xanga

News!

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 02:31:17 GMT

I am growing a mustache.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

Hey, lookit

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 23:41:34 GMT

The fine people at Burnside Writers Collective let me publish another article on their site. Check it out when you can, right here. It's the one called The Difference Between Compassion and Justice or How I'm Going to Get My Masters Degree Without Going to School.

Huckabee

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 22:32:11 GMT

Okay, I can't leave the Huckabee name alone just yet.

Here are my campaign slogan suggestions for Mike Huckabee (and their demographic targets):

I heart Huckabee. (generic/pop-culture dorks)

I like Mike. (which he already uses...so, not so much a suggestion)

Huckabee's for me! (another generic)

Huckabee wannabe your president! (urban)

Huck. A. Bee. (bold capitalists)

Huckabible for President. (evangelicals)

Huckashe for President. (feminists...yep, that one'll get 'em all Republicanified)

Yuckabee for President. (people who hate bees.)

Huck n' Chuck. (Karate people. Like, you know, since Chuck Norris loves him so much and if Huckabee picked him as a running mate...)

Huckabee is a heckuvaguy! (lame-wads)

'lections

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 22:14:56 GMT

So, wow. Huckabee wins in Iowa. So does Obama. This is cool. I hope that ends up being the actual presidential race. We'll see. I know I like this Obama fella. He seems like presidential material. I like his fresh-faced perspective.

Although, with a name like Huckabee....it would be great to have him in office, just so at big deal events, like if he speaks at the UN or something, somebody will have to say, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States...President...Huckabee!" Huckabee ranks right up at the top of the list called 'Presidential candidates who have not-so-dignity-filled-sounding names.' (I guess you could say the same for Obama. Maybe. Definitely he's under Huckabee though.)

Washington.

Jefferson.

Lincoln.

Roosevelt.

Huckabee.

Presidents!

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 22:56:00 GMT

Hillary: I'm sorry I said you used drugs.
Barack: I said I used drugs.
Hillary: Yeah, well, I'm sorry I said it.
Barack: I'm saying you don't have to say it.
Hillary: Well, I am.
Barack: Well, you don't have to.
Hillary: Fine. (turning to the American people) Barack Obama has admitted using performance enhancing drugs and his name came up in the Mitchell Report today, right after Miguel Tejada's.
Barack: Wait, what?!

Mike: You worship the devil.
Mitt: You're mean.
Mike: I'm sorry I said you worship the devil.
Mitt: I think it's okay to worship the devil or God or the recliner or a six pack of Coke. I am a Mormon, just like JFK.
Mike: JFK was Catholic...
Mitt: Oh yeah...
Mike...which means he worshiped the devil.

John: I have a poverty plan that'll really work for America.
Dennis: Shut ya yap. There's people all along the rust belt can't afford no haircut like the likes of you, you preppy-hair-cut-lovin'-hair-cuttin' MO-ron!
John: I need a good haircut.
Dennis: Just like the folks in Ohio need them some jobs! The only thing that pays in Cleveland these days is drag-races on the river where the Flats used to be! MO-ron!
John: My wife is recovering from cancer.
Dennis: Now the North Carolina Yuppie Monster wanna play the cancer card! Well, nobody's buyin', MO-ron! MO-ron!

Fred: I, uh...I was on TV. And, uh...I think TV is real. So, uh...this debate here...it's, uh...no debate. These, uh...these questions are rigged.
Moderator: (whispering) This debate is actually being televised, Mr. Thompson.
Fred: YOU'RE GONNA GET TELEVISED IN A MINUTE, MODERATOR, IF YOU DON'T STOP WITH THESE QUESTIONS! (cocks shotgun)
Moderator: (whispering) 'Televised' means it's on TV, sir.
Fred: YOU'RE ON TV!
Shotgun: KA-BLAM!
Moderator : (dies)
Fred: WHERE'S HUCKABEE?!! (cocks shotgun again)

Ron: My last name is a first name. Call me Ron. Call me Paul. Whatever. Ron or Paul. Either or. Paul or Ron, Ron or Paul. Mr. Paul or Mr. Ron. Ronpaul. Paulron. I like that one. Paulron. I'll just put a 'the' in front of it. The Paulron. The Paulron is coming! Beware! Ha. Well, whichever you like. Ron. Paul. Ronp. Aul. Paulr. On. Whichever. Whichever.
Chris: Um. Nobody's here.
Ron: Who are you?
Chris: Chris Dodds.
Ron: Who?
Chris: Chris Dodds. I'm running for president. I'm a Democrat.
Ron: I'm R Onpaul. or Ronpa Ul. Whichever you prefer. Whichever. Whichever.
Chris: Have you seen the other Democrats?
Ron: I'm the PAULRON! I BREATH SMOKE AND FIRE! Hee-hee. The Paulron.
Chris: Maybe the debate's tomorrow night. Are we in Iowa right now?

Newt: Nice name.
Barack: Same to you.
Hillary: Nice names.
Newt and Barack: Nice pantsuit.

Mike: I'm from Arkansas.
Hillary: Me too...I mean New York! New York! That's my homestate! That is where I hail from! Hail to the chief! Me! The chief from New York! Everybody hear that? New York!

Dr. Dobson: We need somebody who is pro-life in office.
Democrats: We tend to be against capital punishment.
Dr. Dobson: Hey, now. Not that kinda pro-life. I mean real pro-life.

Bill: My wife is running for President. You oughta vote for her.
Jennifer: You know what, maybe. Maybe.
Bill: Let's kiss.

Spare Tire

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 03:55:10 GMT

I said, "What's that thing up there on the back of that Jeep?"
I said back to myself, "It's just a spare tire."
Then I said, "Oh. At first I thought it was a wing-headed monkey-bat."

Saab

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 21:59:27 GMT

Saab, the car-maker, has a new slogan. Born from jets.

Born from jets.

If that couldn't be the name of one of these hip new nostalgia irony rock groups the teens are listening to these days, then, brother, I don't know what could be.

The sad part is, that slogan doesn't make me think Saabs are cool. The truth is, they are cool, but the slogan doesn't make me think so. It makes me think of a pathetic car that the other cars pick on, even Toyota with that new Tundra that can haul a load of horses sideways up cliff face. All the other cars go, 'We're sweet, we're strong, rich people want to drive us, cowboys who love their horses more than their women want to drive us, eco-junkies who save the whales from the dirty Japanese want to drive us a million miles with no gas fill-up, what about you Saab? What's your thang?' Saab goes, 'Um, we're born from jets!' All the other cars hand Saab the beat-down of a lifetime. And the jets don't want 'em. 'Uh-uh. No way, that little car ain't one of us,' says the F-18. 'What a little punk. Let's blast him with our guns and missles,' says the MiG-28. What if they used Saab jets in Top Gun? What if Mav and Goose swooped down on the Russians or Libyans or whatever in a Saab? Come on, man. The Libyans would be like, 'For real? It's a Saab.' Then they would take over the rest of Africa, because WHO'S AFRAID OF AN AIR FORCE THAT FLIES SAABS????!!!!!!

Saab is what, Dutch? Who's afraid of Dutch jets? Whoever thought Dutch jets were cool? What Dutch jets ever struck fear into anybody? Where did Dutch jets ever get their marketing appeal in the car world? Saab just says that because besides cars, they also make lame-o fighter planes that could be blasted out of the sky with a Ground-To-Air-Wink-and-a-Smile. It would be like if Yamaha's slogan for their line of jet-skis was "Born from Guitars!"

Lame, Saab. Really, really lame.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 21:42:26 GMT

Dang banana chip just stabbed me in the gums!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 05:05:57 GMT

Now my toothbrush is a Ferrari.

Spit results

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 04:27:48 GMT

My saliva cannot do the following: Talk, read, predict the future, make me invisible, perform complicated mathematical equations, perform simple equations for that matter, discuss Aristotelian ideas about plot, fly, help me to fly, help me to clean the tub, help me to sing better, grant wishes, or ride a horse. This battery of tests is not exhaustive in the proving or disproving of the magical qualities of a substance, but I feel I can be reasonably certain my saliva is not magical, at least in the ways I want it to be magical. I conclude that I don't know what the dentist was talking about.